Loss of Independence

What it feel like to have Cervical Dystonia

One of the worst things about having a disability is the loss of independence. The frustration I feel about not being able to do certain things drives me to the depths of despair and sometimes I don’t know if that will ever change. My mental health has been better recently through taking anti depressants, seeing my counsellor and also a lovely girl from SAMH who I see once a week. I have to give myself credit too, as I have been doing everything in my power to get mentally better. I’m doing all the right things. I attend my appointments faithfully and I listen to wellness apps and hypnotherapy apps. I even attended a seven week course to work out strategies for coping with my depression. I try not to talk about how I feel to family and friends anymore and as far as they are concerned I am much better. This is partially true but not the whole story. I still have my moments where I question if I can go on. I’m not at the bottom of a black hole anymore. I feel I’ve managed to climb halfway out but the climb has made me rather numb, tired and lost. Where do I go from here? I have to hold on tight to stop me falling back in. I still have my Dystonia. That will never leave me. In fact it seems to be getting worse. I’m plagued with constant migraines, my right leg is numb from knee to toe because of compression on the nerves at the base of my spine, I’m in constant pain, sometimes unbearable pain. Is it any wonder my mental health is still suffering?

Being on your own with a disability is extra difficult. I have to do everything for myself. I let things slip. The house isn’t as tidy as it used to be. I don’t always do my dishes right away like I used to do . It just doesn’t seem important anymore. I can cope with that. What is also very difficult is the lack of human contact. I would love a huge bear hug, a gentle kiss, a stroke of my cheek and someone telling me I’m doing great . I think as humans we need and crave physical contact.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am a strong person. I have been through a lot in my life and I am a survivor. Do I want to just “survive” though? Do I want to live in pain for the rest of my life? Do I want to grow old on my own? The answer to all of these questions is a resounding… NO. So where do I go from here?…………………..